Unfinished Love

They say stirred is better than shaken,

Is that so with emotions too?

Since you walked into that door,

I can’t say what I feel about you.

For a long time you lie low,

You tell your heart to never show, 

Then it erupts like a volcano,

Impossible to control , you glow

You shine like the sun,

You feel the warmth,

That heart is now in trouble,

Where do you start and where do you stop? 

You wake up startled, 

It felt real , yes it surely did, 

You look around and see,

You’re right where it all started.

It’s time to let go again,

This is the life you’ve chosen,

You tell your heart to calm down,

Till next time, it stays unspoken. 

Anam Cara

Soul mates they say,

Have a lifelong bond,

One that transcends distances,

One that goes beyond

Who are these soul mates

When are they born

Is it because their souls talk

Or is it because they’re forlorn

Do their bodies know this too

The chemistry they share 

One that doesn’t require touch

One that is so rare

Their eyes speak a language

Only known to them

That’s why you’re my Anam Cara

You’re that one true lifelong friend

A New Beginning

Life happens. Shit happens. The only choice you're left with is to move on. After a divorce and losing the love of my life I have now moved continents to start afresh again. Some people ask, did you move to forget him? or did you move in search of a new love? or did you move so you could fulfill unfulfilled ambitions? My answer is, none of the above. I moved so I could live again. When you devote your life to a relationship for 10 years and every waking moment is spent in the thought of the well being of that better half, life becomes a void when you are left alone. I never expected myself to stay alive and get through it. I didn't think I had it in me to stand up, face social drama and start the journey again. For the first time since I got divorced I now sit in a tiny beautiful studio all alone and wonder how I feel. The feeling I have is of sheer pride. I am proud of myself that I chose to move on, take risks and live again whilst constantly wishing luck and happiness to the foregone past. I am proud that I chose the path less travelled and came out fine. Surely the experience has made me smarter, more alert, vary of relationships, how soon I trust people and of course the stability of relationships. All in all I've learnt a few lessons and some deep enough to leave me scarred. When a new love knocks at my door, I will be scared. There is no doubt I will wonder if this is real or if this will last or will it crack like a piece of glass. I will find it hard to be loved again and will mostly doubt the worthiness of the relationship at every step. But to that new unknown love I will say, if you hold my hand I will hold yours. If you show trust in me, I will show ten times more trust in you and if you want to grow old with me, I will want that too. It will be reassuring to know that the journey of life was complete because of a new love. 

Life...

When you stand there,

Looking at the him walk away,

All you can do,

Is stop, think and pray.

You pray for your sanity,

Your strength and determination,

You pray for your existence,

The courage to face this situation

You struggle with choices,

Swirling in your head,

Should I stop now,

Or should I move ahead?

And then it strikes you,

Like a bolt in the dark,

Life always gives you a choice,

Either to stop or to start

I chose to start again,

Chose my happiness ahead,

I chose to pray for myself,

And not wish him back instead

Moving on...

As I walk on the road less traveled someone asked me to read this, it was insightful.

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn't have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I've ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take a while. You've just gotta fight your way through.”

― Ira Glass

To care or care a damn?

This one isn't so much about my emotions as much as it is about the way society is so cohesive in thought that it takes you by surprise.To adopt means: to take and rear (the child of other parents) as one's own child, specifically by a formal legal act.

From this definition adoption does seem to be a good act. An act of responsibility, of faith, of trust and yes of love.  It seems now that the dictionary isn't always right. It doesn't include the cultural nuances and meanings of words. It doesn't take into consideration what effect one word can have on one group of people than the other. I realize that.

After all the conversations over coffee and tea and lunch and dinner I have now come to understand that people are doubtful. They love doubting. It’s such a burning desire that lest it’s fulfilled one cannot live. Hence people doubt. 

Your husband gave you a diamond necklace just like that. Doubt.  Your boss gave you a raise in the middle of the year( because you worked your butt off on a project and impressed him). Doubt. You pass by your daily clothes store and suddenly from nowhere the store says 90% off. Doubt. You wear your best saree to work one morning. People doubt.

You decide to adopt a baby. Doubt.

I am still waiting for one friend or foe to come up to me, give me a hug and say “Yeah! You are adopting! I am so happy for you".

Too much to ask for?

So tell me, do I care or do I care a damn?

Hope...

 

Hope is the thing with feathers 

That perches in the soul, 

And sings the tune--without the words, 

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard; 

And sore must be the storm 

That could abash the little bird 

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, 

And on the strangest sea; 

Yet, never, in extremity, 

It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

For him, who completes me...

I Want

I want to sit beside you in a rowdy dingy pub
Legs dangling, shoulders jostling, knees touching
I want your breath to drain the sweat off my brow
And for you to lick the bitterness off my lips
I want your eyes to seek mine
I want to hear the hushed lust in your voice amidst the noise.

I want to sit beside you in a dark balcony
Where yesterday’s washing doesn’t flap its crackling wings
I want us to hear the night call
Watch shadows play ball and time creep up a celestial wall
I want your fingers to unerringly seek mine
I want to exist as more than a mere habit.

Anita Nair from Malabar Mind

Another day...

There are days of sunshine,

And bright rays of hope,

There are moments of contentment

And reasons to cope

Days are uneven,

Long and lost,

Some so happy,

The others so soft

 Softer the memories,

Deeper they go,

Into your skin and beneath,

In your heart they grow.

I wonder at life

And the way it flows,

Each bridge a new one,

Each corner an old foe.

Daffodils

I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils; Beside the lake, beneath the trees, Fluttering and dancing in the breeze. Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the milky way, They stretched in never-ending line Along the margin of a bay: Ten thousand saw I at a glance, Tossing their heads in sprightly dance. The waves beside them danced; but they Out-did the sparkling waves in glee: A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund company: I gazed--and gazed--but little thought What wealth the show to me had brought: For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils - William Wordsworth.

On my mind...

The horses wait to be ridden,

The candy floss spurns pink,

The ferrous wheels are empty,

And families seem thrilled.

A pregnant women walks,

Her hand on her belly,

Wondering what the future holds,

For her and her family.

A father guides his daughter,

On climbing up the slide,

One step at a time he prompts her,

Her goal clear in his mind.

A little boy runs around,

And plays in the sand,

It keeps slipping from his fingers,

Nothing remains in his hand.

A tiny little baby,

Sits cozy in her tram,

Her mother sits beside it,

While a song sings her dad.

These are pictures of my memory,

A memory I crave to have,

It’s distant and hazy today,

It’s threatened and that’s sad.

I’m trying my best to look up,

And admire the sun which shines,

Adore the stars that shine brightly,

And not sit down and whine.

I always believe in one thing,

And that’s my destiny,

If my memory is strong enough,

One day it will be reality.